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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Sports (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 15 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  13  14  15 
 
Author Topic: Sports
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 10:39 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy:  "I don't think you could keep your head down that long.

"Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:  "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy:  "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago"

Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy:  "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy:  "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy:  "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy:  "This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy:  "The way you play, Sir, its a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy:  "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy:  "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy:  "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy:  "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence. 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 11:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens...

He tries again...
Still nothing...

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord...
Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver (by this time scared out of his wits) yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 11:20 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Gary, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.

On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know the secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

Gary thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, Gary returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Gary, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Gary. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Gary still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.

Gary wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi. Why do you ask?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 07:39 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


My wife said to me ---George, it is about time that you learned to play golf .

You know, golf-- that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are to old to chase women.

So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said yes but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find.

Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off.

What's tee off, I asked?

He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

Not for me I said, you can tee off there if you want to but I'll go behind the barn, somewhere.

No, no he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.

Yeah, I've got one of those. Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.

I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.

You do, he said, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.

Well folks, I thought that was stretching things just a little to far and I said so.

He said: You've got a bag haven't you?

Sure, I said. He said, your balls are in it, aren't they?

Of course, I told him. Well, He said, can't you open the bag and take one out?

I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.

He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, I told him so.

He said you take your club in both hands--folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

Then he said you swing it over your shoulder. No, no, that's my brother you're thinking about.

He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said "in two fingers."

He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.

He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put up four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.

I said I could well imagine. Then he said, and when you're on the green--what's the green, I asked.

That's where the hole is, he said. Sure you're not color blind, I asked.

No, then you take your putter.

What's the putter, I asked.

That's the smallest club made, he said. That's what I've got, a putter. And with it, he said you put your ball in the hole,

I corrected, you mean the putter.

He said, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.

You mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?

Hell, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?

That would be just my luck.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 10:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of the sudden the Russian lunged, and grabbed the American then wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could....

“You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 11:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting the ball and bat.

“I’m the greatest baseball player in the world,” he said proudly.

Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, “I’m the greatest baseball player ever!”

He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully.

Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball player who ever lived.”

He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.... “Wow!” he exclaimed. “What a pitcher!”

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-23-2001 12:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Soccer Girl

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the damn goalie!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2001 02:01 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman.

He was great at football, but not at academics.

The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba's grades HAD to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem

Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see.

His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba.

It was test time.

The teacher said, ''Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?''

Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ''nine,'' confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ''Aw, c'mon. Give him another chance!''

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2001 02:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
       
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.”

Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder.

“Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed.

He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid.

Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-02-2001 08:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. 

When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. 

They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window.  "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.  On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.  It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.

 Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question.  I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's mine!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-02-2001 09:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal.

Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-02-2001 09:31 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are going to have a swimming race across the English Channel.

There is only one rule: they have to do the breast stroke.

About a day after the start of the race, the brunette comes in first and is delighted that she is the fastest woman ever to swim across the channel.

About an hour later, the red head comes in. She is happy that she didn't lose but is upset she didn't win.

About two weeks later, the blondes body floats up to shore.

She is almost dead with dehydration and hunger. As the medics rush to her aid, her last words to the life gaurd are this: "I don't want to sound like a poor loser, but those other girls were using their arms.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-03-2001 08:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet belowsea level.

He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on what so ever.

The diver went below another 10 feet,but the guy joined him a minute later.

The diver went below 15more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard,and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver hadwritten, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-03-2001 09:01 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration,  but then.................................   he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down  the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slippingrider.

Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground.

He is mere moments awayfrom unconsciousness when to his great fortune..... The Film-Tech security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-11-2002 09:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A SKIING EMBARRASSMENT!

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her skipants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show,then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

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