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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Chicken Vs. The Road (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Chicken Vs. The Road
Heyward Garner
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 101
From: Winston-Salem, NC, USA
Registered: Jan 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 01:45 AM      Profile for Heyward Garner   Email Heyward Garner   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
PG

Q: Why did the Hippo cross the road?
A: Because he was stapled to the chicken!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Chicken

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and wewere quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of theroad was threatening its dominant market position. The chickenwas faced with significant challenges to create and develop thecompetencies required for the newly competitive market. AndersenConsulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helpedthe chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy andimplementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align thechicken's people, processes and technology in support of itsoverall strategy within a Program Management framework. AndersenConsulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analystsand best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deepskills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-dayitinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personalknowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable themto synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicitgoals of delivering and successfully architecting andimplementing an enterprise-wide value framework across thecontinuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting washeld in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactfulenvironment which was strategically based, industry-focused, andbuilt upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message andaligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.This was conducive towards the creation of a total businessintegration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chickenchange to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. itt ranscended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-14-2002 09:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated g


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.
Wolfgang von Beethoven: What? Speak up.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack. Ppthpt.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Epicurus: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.
Michel Foucault: It did so because the dicourse of crossing the road left it no choice; the police state was oppressing it.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
James Joyce: Once upon a time, a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...
Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.
Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.
H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.
Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.
Paul de Man (uncovered after his death): So no one would find out it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee.
Ronald Reagan: Well, I forget.
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
George Washington: Actually, it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-06-2003 06:27 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Fowlest Jokes Of The Month"


Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?
A: There was a car coming.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.

Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.

Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-06-2003 06:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!" [sex] [thumbsup]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-04-2003 07:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] From my Diary of Useless Information

Did you know-and do you care-that according to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg...at last, Case Closed! [Big Grin]

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Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 05-04-2003 07:51 PM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
That's well and good, Bob. But about the rooster? I mean, when did the human race 1st see a cock?

>>> Phil

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-04-2003 08:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Phil That was when Eve took Adam's fig leaf and used it for a fan. This got a rise out of Adam and the here we are! [Big Grin]

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Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 05-04-2003 08:29 PM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Hahhaha...Yeah, I just *KNEW* you couldn't let my post go without a reply.... [beer]

>>> Phil

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Michael Schaffer
"Where is the
Boardwalk Hotel?"

Posts: 4143
From: Boston, MA
Registered: Apr 2002


 - posted 05-05-2003 05:40 AM      Profile for Michael Schaffer   Author's Homepage   Email Michael Schaffer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Who is Wolfgang von Beethoven (3rd post)?
How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
You can see his footprints in the butter.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-23-2003 01:36 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

What did one chicken say to another when it found a citrus fruit
in its nest?

Look at the orange Mama laid. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-24-2005 10:57 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 762 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2005 10:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Chicken and the Egg


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2005 10:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

Chicken and the Horse


Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-26-2006 12:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Question:
Why did the gum cross the road?

Answer: It was stuck to the chicken's foot! [Big Grin]

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