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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Medical (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 57 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  55  56  57 
 
Author Topic: Medical
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 10:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X


The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock,
"I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 10:18 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

Some drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you know that?"

The woman replied, "Real easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another, and they go to bed.

After the lovemaking, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT sweetheart?"

The woman says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 07:33 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed  on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 02:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X Medical
Sick Day

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

Eh, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache,stomach ache,my legs hurt I not come to work.

The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to let me stick my cock in her. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

Two hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I come to work soon. And by the way, you got nice house.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 12:59 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Medical


A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said "no no that's right.

First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 02:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The Clueless Dictionary of Medical Terms

Benign. . . . . . . . . . . What you be after you be eight
Artery. . . . . . . . . . . The study of paintings
Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . Back door to cafeteria
Barium. . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section. . . . . . A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan . . . . . . . . . . Searching for Kitty
Cauterize . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
Colic . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
Coma. . . . . . . . . . . . A punctuation mark
D & C . . . . . . . . . . . Where Washington is
Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . To live long
Enema . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
Fester. . . . . . . . . . . Quicker than someone else
Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . A small lie
G.I. Series . . . . . . . . World Series of military baseball
Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . What you hang your coat on
Impotent. . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff . . . . . . . A Doctor's cane
Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates. . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than day rates
Node. . . . . . . . . . . . Was aware of
Outpatient. . . . . . . . . A person who has fainted
Pap smear . . . . . . . . . A fatherhood test
Post Operative. . . . . . . A letter carrier
Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . Second cousin to Elvis
Recovery Room . . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . Damn near killed him
Secretion . . . . . . . . . Hiding something
Seizure . . . . . . . . . . Roman emperor
Tablet. . . . . . . . . . . Small table
Terminal Illness. . . . . . Getting sick at the airport
Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . More than one
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
Varicose. . . . . . . . . . Near by
Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 07:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient.

"You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 07:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A middle aged man walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is.

After being guided in its direction, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 08:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby Doctor?...What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite..what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female"

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh, my goodness! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem with my balls but I'm a little ashamed of it." "Don't worry, I'm here to help you. What's the problem?" The doc replies.

"One of my balls is much much bigger then the other one." "Ok, show them to me." "No, no! everyone laughs at it, and I'm sure you'll laugh too, and that pisses me off!" "Look, I'm a doctor, don't doubt about my professionality. please show them to me!"
"Ok..."

So he lowers his pants and gets this horribly huge ball, holding it with both his hands, and panting for the weight tries to put it on the table. The doctor, seeing such an incredible scene, bursts out in laughter. And the man, getting angry, says, "I
knew you would laugh! Now I won't show you the big one!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A mute guy is walking down the street and he meets his mute friend who suddenly starts speaking to him. Amazed, the mute guy signals his talking friend asking how was he able to talk.

His friend, happily tells him that he went to a doctor who healed him in only 27 days. The mute guy asks for directions and runs to the doctor to get healed.

He runs in and desperately, and signals the doctor that he wants to be able to speak. The doctor says: "fine, you will learn in 27 days but you must pay 2000$ in advance". The guy gives him his credit card without even blinking. Then the doctor says: "drop your pants". The guy gets undressed and the doctor says: "now, bend over". The guy, reluctant to the doctors command signals NO! and starts to get dressed again. The doctor says: "Well, I guess you wont learn how to speak then..". The mute guy pauses and decides to accept, dropping his pants and bending over.

The doctor walks behind him towards the end on the room, grabs a broom and runs back at him jamming the broom up the guys ass. The guy screams AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Then the doctor says: " OK!! Come tomorrow and I'll show you the letter B."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-18-2001 08:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk.

This is the answer he submitted:

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers." 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-20-2001 08:13 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

An elderly man sat down at the table in the cruise ship dining room on his first night at sea. The waiter placed a delicious looking filet mignon in front of him. The man dug in his pockets for a moment, then swore, "Damn, I can't eat this. I forgot my dentures!"

Another man sitting across from him immediately lifted a black bag from the floor, rummaged around, then picked out a set of teeth. He handed them to the elderly man, saying, "Here, try these."

The elderly man slipped them in, then removed them. "These are too small."

The other man rummaged again, came up with another pair, then said, "How about these?"

The forgetful senior citizen tried those, tested on a bite of steak, then beamed. "These are the best fitting teeth I've ever had. You must be a genius. When we land, I want to go to your dental office for an appointment."

The other man said, "I'm afraid I don't give appointments."
"Why not?"

Because I'm not a dentist, I'm a mortician."

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Jonathan Worthing
Master Film Handler

Posts: 382
From: Hereford, UK
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-23-2001 04:33 AM      Profile for Jonathan Worthing   Email Jonathan Worthing   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
PG


Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing
voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of his patients ... and you won't be
the last. And you're single. Let it go ..."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to
reality: "Bob, you're a vet ..."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 11:05 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac.

Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.

One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment.

This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack.

On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.

Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.

The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"

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