Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » The Military (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  14  15  16 
 
Author Topic: The Military
Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 02:20 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

This little diddy hit the airwaves while I was stationed at Norton AFB,CA. Rumor had it that it was authored by an officer who typed it on his office computer and he accidently e-mailed it all over the place! It was supposedly traced back to his computer and he was in DEEP SHIT! soo, here goes

Following President Clinton's directive regarding the military establihment, the U.S. Army has formed a new elite unit, the Queen Berets. In keeping with the tradition established during the Vietnam era by the Green Berets, the new unit also has its own motivational song commemorating their exploits.
To wit:
FALLING FAIRIES FROM THE SKY,
I BROKE A NAIL, OH I COULD CRY.
DONT'T YOU LIKE HOW MY BUTT SWAYS?
WE ARE THE FAGS OF THE QUEEN BERETS!

BILL CLINTON'S WORDS UPON MY EARS,
"YOU HAVE RIGHTS, BE PROUD YOU QUEERS"
I ONCE WAS SCARED, NOW I'M OK,
CAUSE I'M A FAG IN THE QUEEN BERETS!

PIN SILVER WINGS UPON MY NUTS,
I LOVE THE PAIN, NOW SPANK MY BUTT,
THE WAY YOU WALK IS AWFULLY CUTE,
I SURE WOULD LOVE TO PACK YOUR 'CHUTE!

THIS ARMY STUFF IS REALLY SLICK,
FREE MEALS AND CLOTHS AND LOTS OF DICK,
WHEN I RETIRE, I'LL GET PAID
THANK YOU, BILL, FROM THE QUEEN BERETS!

The motto of the new unit: "We'll never leave our buddies behind!"


 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 02:49 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated P.G. 13

CIVIL SERVICE BLUES

She thought she'd be a G.I. Girl
And have a little fun
They took her application
And made her GS-1

She wore a naughty little blouse
That you could see right through
Her boss took one look at her
and made her GS-2

She started on dictation
With her skirt above her knee
When she got through that letter
She became a GS-3

He gave her thigh a little pinch
As he went out the door
She winked her big brown eyes at him
And got her GS-4

She felt sooo good one morning
It was good to be alive
So she shook a wiggle on her fanny
And soon was GS-5

Her boss asked her to kiss him
And she showed him some new tricks
He must have liked the lesson
For he made her GS-6

They went off on a weekend
To his little seashore heaven
She thought that must have pleased him
'Cause she got her GS-7

Her work must be improving
'Cause now she's GS-8
But she doesn't know if its worth it
Because She's three weeks late!

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 02:53 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Travis AFB, CA TEAM 1993

An ORI (Operational Readiness Inspection) is a situation in which you stop doing what you're doing, in order to simulate doing what your doing, so that you can show someone else that you can simulate doing what you were doing as well as you were doing it before you were interrupted.

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 03:18 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13

UNITED STATES AIR FORCE REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the U.S.A.F., we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, the older enlisted/officers will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger personnel who represent our future plans.
A program to phase-out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement will be placed immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Personnel who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the Air Force. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.d, they can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All personnel who have been R.A.P.E.d or S.C.R.E.W.ed may file an appeal with the upper echelon. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, personnel may be R.A.P.E.d once, S.C.R.E.W.ed twice, but S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropropriate.
If personnel follow the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan, personnel who have recieved H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.d or S.C.R.E.W.ed by the U.S.A.F.
Management wishes to assure the younger personnel who remain on the board that the Air Force will continue its policy to ensure that personnel are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). The Air Force takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our personnel receive. The U.S.A.F. has given personnel more S.H.I.T. than any other branch of the Armed Services! If any personnel feels he/she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your First Sergeant or Commander. They have been trained to make sure that you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 03:51 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So Bob Maar-

Why do they call Navy recruits SEAMEN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 04:00 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Another true story from Will's archives!

Many memembers of my squadron (including yours truly) were deployed to Puerto Rico to take part in Uphold Democracy (the Haiti thang).

While there, one of the guys, who I was deployed with, got a very interesting phone call from his wife back in the 'States.

Seems that our Squadron Commander (a LT. COL) our 1st. Sergeant (who was either a Chief or SMS-I forgot) and some M.P.s went to his home to arrest him for being AWOL. This guys wife cursed them out and explained to them that they had deployed her Spouse and that he was in Puerto Rico!

No shit this was a true story!!!!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 05:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, Will Kutler,

I understand it has something to do with a U.S. Marine discharge.

Could not happen to a better bunch of Squids....

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 01:52 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Another true story from the archives of Will Kutler as pertaining to the USAF

After you enlist, you go to basic traing for 6 weeks or whatever, then you are sent onto tech-school for x-period of time depending on your career field. After tech school, you are sent onto your first duty assignment where you may go through a program called Green-ops which is an on the job training program. Well, it just so happened that we were going through an ORI(operational readiness inspection), and they had taken all of the "trainees" from green-ops and stuck them onto the flightline because we were in desperate need of extra "bodies" for this excersize! Well, we had a C-5 that had just landed as was taxing to its spot on the ramp, and our expiditor gave the marshalling gear (a reflective vest and paddles) to one of these kids from Green-ops who had never marshalled an aircraft before. This kid thought that the expiditor had said to "march to the aircraft", so he dons the marshalling gear, pops to attention, and starts marching towards the nosewheel as the aircraft was taxing onto its spot. The expiditor had to jump out of the truck and grab the dumbass to keep him from being run-over! The radar of a C-5 is in the nose cone, and immediately after landing, the pilot turns the radar off. Should it be left on while on the ground, it could prove to be medically dangerous for ground personnel. If the system is being tested on the ground, then the aircraft is isolated and given a certain blocked-off perimiter. Well, we wanted to mess with this kid a little more, so we told him that he got too close to the radar, and that he needed to wear the reflective vest for the rest of the day so that the radiation would "fall" off him, and if he took it off, then the radiation would deem him impotent. This vest was nothing more than a school crossing guard vest. Well, he wore that vest until an officer chewed him out good for being so gullible and stupid, and for not being in compliance with dress and appearance!

 |  IP: Logged

Jonathan Worthing
Master Film Handler

Posts: 382
From: Hereford, UK
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 03:13 AM      Profile for Jonathan Worthing   Email Jonathan Worthing   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Representative teams from the SAS, Army and Metropolitan Police are sent on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the trainer.

Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries.
Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lemur one, suspect headed straight for you ...... over " etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer.
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.

The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f***ing rabbit!!"



 |  IP: Logged

Rick Long Jr
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 211
From: Toronto, Canada
Registered: Jul 2000


 - posted 07-20-2001 09:36 PM      Profile for Rick Long Jr   Email Rick Long Jr   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
Some of Murphy's Combat Laws.
1-You are not a superman.
2-If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3-Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.
4-Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
5-Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
6-If your attack is going really well, its an ambush.
7-All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
8-Try to look unimportant as the enemy may be low on ammo.
9-The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
10-The important things are always simple.
11-The simple things are always hard.
12-The easy way is always mined.
13-If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
14-When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
15-Incoming fire has right-of-way.
16-Friendly fire isn't!
17-If the enemy is in range, so are you.
18-Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
19-Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
20-Tracers work both ways.
21-The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
22-When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.
23-Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
24-Murphy was a grunt.

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1498
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-23-2001 03:41 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This is a very, very "inside" Jewish joke. If ya don't understand, then ask the local Rebbe--nu!?

So, during WWI, when Jews were still fighting on both the Allied and Axis sides of the conflict, there happened to be a little Jewish Private in the U.S. Army named Goldman, and this is his story:

Every night, when the trenches were silent and all was melonchaly, Goldman would secretly sneak out of the trench and return with no less than 10 German prisoners. This went on for several weeks. Finally, he was called before his commanding officers who grilled him about his brave, daring and audicious exploits. They wanted to know the "secret" of his success.

"Simple," replied Goldman, "I sneak up to No Mans Land where I yell out Yidden, Ich darf auf minyan auf Kaddish, and I always come away with at least 10 volunteers!"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 12:36 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

There was a young man in the Air Force named Will Kutler who was so well endowed that it was bothering his knee.

Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said: “We’ll just take a big hunk off the end”. They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said: “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it”. They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said: “We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of it”. They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running done her cheeks.
The nurse cried: “Can’t we just make his legs longer?”

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 07:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Three French legionaries are hiking across the desert where they have been for several days. They are out of food and on their last ration of water.As they walk a bit further, the head legionary thinks he sees something up ahead and cries to the others (in a French accent),"look! It is a bacon tree!

It is what we 'ave been waiting for!"And sure enough, there seems to be a tree covered with streaky bacon. Of course the legionaries are delighted, so desperate that they don't even consider the possibility of it being a mirage.As they get closer, the head legionary says, "Stay 'ere. I will investigate". So he approaches, but as he does so, two gunshots penetrate the deadly silence, seeming to come from the bacon tree, and strike down the legionaire.

The tree disappears.The other two rush to see if there is anything they can do, but it seems almost too late."Sir!" they cry, "are you alright?"And the head legionaire, before he dies, says, "Zat was not a bacon tree...zat was an 'ambush!"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 02:20 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG :: :screem:

There were four vets sitting around a camp fire sharing war stories. A Blue Angle, A Navy Seal, Marine Forest Recon, and an Army Ranger.

The Blue Angle spoke up and said "I was in a dog fight and I downed six of thoes bastards with out even taking a hit."

The Navy Seal stood up and said "I jumped off the front of an aircraft carrier with only a knife in my teeth and sank two submarines."

The Army Ranger then said "I jumped behind enemy lines with 200 rounds and killed 300 of the enemy."

The Marine didn't say anything he just looked at the other three and stired the fire with his dick.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 11:56 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked,
"Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman
wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English
gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  14  15  16 
 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.