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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Lawyers (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  18  19  20 
 
Author Topic: Lawyers
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 01:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG


95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!

*****************************************************

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

* ***************************************

Why do lawyers where ties?

So the foreskin won't slip over their heads.

***************************************

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 10:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

1
Q:? What is your date of birth?
A:? July fifteenth.
Q:? What year?
A:? Every year.

2
Q:? What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:? Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3
Q:? This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A:? I forget.
Q:? You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've
forgotten?

4
Q:? How old is your son-the one living with you.
A:? Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q:? How long has he lived with you?
A:? Forty-five years.

5
Q:? What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that
morning?
A:? He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q:? And why did that upset you?
A:? My name is Susan.

6
Q:? And where was the location of the accident?
A:? Approximately milepost 499.
Q:? And where is milepost 499?
A:? Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7
Q:? All your responses must be oral, OK What school did you go
to?
A:? Oral.

8
Q:? Sir, what is your IQ?
A:? Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

9
Q:? Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights
flashing?
A:? Yes.
Q:? Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:? Yes, sir.
Q:? What did she say?
A:? What disco am I at?

10
Q:? So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And what were you doing at that time?

11
Q:? She had three children, right?
A:? Yes.
Q:? How many were boys?
A:? None.
Q:? Were there any girls?

12 Q:? You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A:? Yes.
Q:? And these stairs, did they go up also?

13 Q:? Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A:? I went to Europe, Sir.
Q:? And you took your new wife?

14 Q:? How was your first marriage terminated?
A:? By death.
Q:? And by whose death was it terminated?

15 Q:? Can you describe the individual?
A:? He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q:? Was this a male, or a female?

16 Q:? Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:? No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

17 Q:? Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A:? All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

18 Q:? Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:? The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q:? And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A:? No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

19 Q:? Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a
pulse?
A:? No.
Q:? Did you check for blood pressure?
A:? No.
Q:? Did you check for breathing?
A:? No.
Q:? So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
A:? No.
Q:? How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:? Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:? But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:? It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
somewhere.

20 Q:? You were not shot in the fracas?
A:? No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 11:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve tohit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneousl spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
.... I was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man?
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 07:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Two lawyers Joe and Tom were talking one day.

Joe said, "Last night I took the new intern out, we had dinner and then I took her home and we had sex. I'm glad we did cause she is a lo better than my wife."

The next day Tom said to Joe, "You know what? Last night I took the new intern out. We had dinner then we went to my house and we had sex. I disagree with you, your wife is a lot better." 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 02:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill. "The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 08:43 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died lastweek."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG Lawyer

A man in a bar stands up and says, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

At the front of the bar another man stands up and says,

"Hey! I resent that!"

Thefirst man replies, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an asshole!"   


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:43 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 03:11 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
RATED PG

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him to see St. Peter. To his suprise St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the lomg line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 09:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 07:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 'He's in THAT one!' cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

'What did you do that for!' exclaimed the lawyer, 'I said he was in the other!' '

Exactly,' replied the sheriff, 'and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?'    

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 08:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"Terrorists abduct bus load of attorneys.

Note from terrorists:

"Unless you meet our demands, we will release one hostage a day!"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 09:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G    

Taken from a court in the United States

Question:

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 09:34 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor.

The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?" The butcher replied, "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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