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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Husbands & Wives (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Husbands & Wives
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 12:15 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up,takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 09:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Husbands & Wives

There was this 35 year old couple who had been married for 6 years.

They had a healthy and giving marriage. One morning the wife said, "I wish I was 10 again."

What the wife didn't know was that her husband had heard her while shaving in the bathroom. So at breakfast he told his wife,"Change in plans, lets take a break from spring cleaning today and go out.

"Surprised, his wife agreed. First he took her to the movies to see a sobby romance film she had been dying to see.

Next, they went to a rollerblading park and skated for hours. Afterwards, the husband took his wife to a carnival in town for the week.

They rode the Ferris wheel and bought some cotton candy and He even won her an unreasonably oversized stuffed animal.

After the carnival, they went for ice-cream and a sub. That night in bed her husband said, "So, how did it feel to be 10 again?"

His wife replied somewhat confused, "Oh honey, this morning I meant my breast Size!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 01:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Differences Between The Sexes


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.

A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LISTENING

What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now."

What a man hears: C'MON ... blah,blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 10:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

The Perfect Day (according to him and her)


The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 Light breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

10:00 Wake up

10:02 Oral sex

10:10 Big Breakfast

11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 Enormous lunch

3:15 Oral sex

3:25 Play sports with the guys

4:30 Drink beer with the guys

6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 Oral sex

6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10 Sleep

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 12:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 12:28 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady,

"I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Hell no!" replies the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair." 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 01:54 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

His and Her ATM     

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machin
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 02:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A couple are lying in bed, the man says to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She replies, "I'm going to miss you."   


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 07:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There was this elderly couple driving down the interstate and the woman was driving because the man had trouble seeing.

Time passes and they get pulled over by a police car.

The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the elderly couple.

He says to the woman, "Excuse me but you were speeding down through the interstate." The woman is hard of hearing so she leans over to her husband and she yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY??"

The husband replies, "He said you were speeding." The cop says to the woman, "I need to see your license."

Again the woman cannot hear the cop so she leans over to her husband and yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY???"

The husband replies, "He needs to see your license."

So the woman pulls out her license and gives it to the cop.The cop looks it over and says, "Well...your from Arkansas. Let me tell you something...I once went on a blind date in Arkansas with the most ugliest woman I've ever seen in my entire life!!"

Again, the woman can't hear him so she leans over to her husband and yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY???"

The husband says, "He said he knows you."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 07:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

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Jonathan Worthing
Master Film Handler

Posts: 381
From: Hereford, UK
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 04:41 AM      Profile for Jonathan Worthing   Email Jonathan Worthing   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated U


As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's
ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet
and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old
and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box
again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the
box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She
told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I
got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at
him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's is the money I've made selling the Doilies."


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 07:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.

Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY COW, IT WORKS!!!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun. He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is simply awful."

The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.

"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.

The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."

The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."

"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," the woman replied.

"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."

So within the next week she was back.

"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my face."

"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"

"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea to show my face in McDonalds again."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:37 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -

Poor Mildred was a 92 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to quickly get over it, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and then become a vegetable and burden to someone else, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.  -

[ 08-23-2005, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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