To be read in and Irish accent!

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeeper said surprised."He
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eyes and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son, who had been waiting, O'Malley said,"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are don't go so well. In this case things aren't so good. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tellthem that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a few more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you had cancer? You just told your friends you had AIDS!"

An Irishman drives into a petrol station with a sabre-toothed Bengal tiger on the back seat of his car. The attendant notices it and says, 'that's a dangerous wild animal - you should take it to the zoo straight away!' 'That's a grand idea, I'll do it now,' replied the Irishman. The next day he returned, still with the tiger in his car, only this time it was wearing sunshades and had a towel on its back. 'I thought I told you to take that thing to the zoo,' commented the attendant. 'That you did,' the Irishman replied, 'and a grand day out we had. But today he wants to go to the beach.'

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

Sinead, an Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and notices his Irish accent.

Over the course of the night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks her to sleep with him.

Although she fancies him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep with him again for 100 quid.

She figures "in for a penny - in for a pound," and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the corner.

Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she should pay him more attention.She goes over and sits beside him.

She asks him where he's from,and he says,

"Cork."

"Wow," she says, "Me too! - what part?"

"Montenotte," he says.

"Jesus, that's amazing," she says,

"Which street?"

To which he names the street.

She is truly gob smacked.

This is uncanny," she says, "what number?"

"Number 20." "You are not going to believe this," she says,

"I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin.

An Aer Lingus jumbo jet is in mid-Atlantic when one of its engines fails. The captain comes on the Tannoy: 'Ladies and gentlemen, you may notice some smoke and flames coming out of one of the engines. This is nothing to worry about, because the plane is designed to fly, if needs be, with only one engine working. All this means is that our arrival will be delayed for an hour or so.'

One day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man, were standing on a bridge.

As they were standing on the bridge chatting, a herd of cows crossed the bridge.

"Those have got to be English cows," the Englishman commented. "They're black and white."

"No," the Irishmen argued. "They've got to be Irish cows, they got spots."

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?

"Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house."Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear off a my fookin pig.

Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house."Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cutt a tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail.

"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed intothe house once more."PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a Scottishman, an Englishman and an Irishman, who are all working in a shopping centre.

One day, their boss says to them, need to go out for an hour, can trust you three here?

They all say yes, so the boss leaves. When he does, the Scottishman decides to go to the pub for an hour, the Englishman goes to a casino, and the Irishman decides he will just go home for an hour. When the Irishman gets home, he finds his boss in bed with his wife.

So the next day at the shopping centre, the boss again excuses himself for an hour. So the Scottishman who had a great time yesterday, decides to go back to the pub. The Englishman who won $50 yesterday, decides to go back to the casino.

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Ireland.

What would happen if an Irishman was walking blindfolded towards a brick wall with a fully erect penis?

This Lad came in off the street went up to the bartender and said can I have a pint of Guiness and the guy at the far in says are you Irish?

He said aye I am! I'm Irish myself ill buy you that pint!

Were abouts are you from?

He said Dublin!That were I come from i'll have a pint with ya!

Were abouts in Dublin?

He said Fingus!

MY GOD so do I come from Fingus! Two Halves of Whiskey as well!

Were abouts in Fingus?

He said Park Field road!

My God that's were I live park Feild Road as well!

Make them large Whiskeys!

Wat Number?

He Said 29!

My God I was born in number 29!!!!

The Lanlord walks into the bar and says to the bartender :"Who is in the Pub tonight?"

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's to The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how theToast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wass at the end of shis key." the Irishman replies.

About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's penis is being exhibited for all to see.

He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"