Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Puns & Riddles (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  18  19  20 
 
Author Topic: Puns & Riddles
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 08:04 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Pun Intended
------------
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 07:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman, "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 08:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A farmer who hired a man to help him with work around the farm.

The first day the farmer told the man to mow the lawn.

While hewas mowing the lawn he saw a cat in the middle of the lawn. He kicked the cat but it wouldn't move. He kicked it three more times and it still wouldn't move. So he ran over the cat with the lawn mower.

The farmer was not happy when he heard what happened.The next day the man told him to nail up his fence. While he was nailing it he found a rooster sitting on it. He pushed the rooster four times but it wouldn't move. So he nailed it to the fence.

When the farmer got the story, he was very mad and warned the hired man that he has just can not screw up again.

The next day the man told him to paint his fence red. He found a donky laying by the fence, covering the botom part of it. He kicked the donkey four times but he wouldn't move. So he painted over it.

By this time the farmer was furious. He took the man to court.When the judge asked what happened, the farmer complained, "This man is crazy! He ran over my wife's pussy with his mower. He nailed my cock to the fence. And he painted my ass red!"   

 |  IP: Logged

Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 11:43 PM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she> also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 07:04 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Why English is a Pain to Learn


- The bandage was wound around the wound.

- The farm was used to produce produce.

- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

- He could lead if he would get the lead out.

- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.

- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

- If you broke it, lost it, need it cheap or just can't find it
anywhere else, find it at eBay!

- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

- They were too close to the door to close it.

- The buck does funny things when the does are present.

- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

- After a number of injections my jaw got number.

- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-13-2001 11:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G and PG

Bumper Stickers: (Available at Film-Tech On Line Call )


Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Driver carries no cash: He's married!

I need patience. NOW!

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these
handcuffs off!

I brake for hallucinations.

Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

Witches' Parking - All others Toad.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

Back off, I'm a postal worker.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

I brake for No Apparent Reason.

Hang up and drive!

I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will
defend to the end your right to stick it!

Jesus is coming - Look Busy!

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and
screaming like his passengers.

My other vehicle is a broom stick.

This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware,
you might meet the Undertaker

My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).

Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to
read it.

'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license
frame- Visalia, CA

Jesus, protect me from your followers!

Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.

 |  IP: Logged

Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6410
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99


 - posted 07-13-2001 06:32 PM      Profile for Randy Stankey   Email Randy Stankey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Alexander Graham Bell had hang-ups!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-13-2001 10:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1.   The Cat in the Blender

2.   Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3.   Fox in Detox

4.   Who Shat in the Hat?

5.   Horton Hires a Ho

6.   The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7.   How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8.   Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9.   Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10.  One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11.  Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

12.  Are You My Proctologist?

13.  Yentl the Lentil

14.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15.  Aunts in My Pants

16.  Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

17.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm

18.  The Grinch's Ten Inches

 |  IP: Logged

Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6410
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99


 - posted 07-14-2001 01:52 AM      Profile for Randy Stankey   Email Randy Stankey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 07:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

a confusing story

One bright day in
the middle of the night
two dead soldiers
got up to fight
stood back to back
and faced each other
got out thier swords
and shot each one another
two deaf policemen
heard all the noise
got right up
and shot them boys
and if you don't belive
my tale so tall
ask the blind man
he saw it all!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 03:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated G

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language.

As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.

Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 07:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who
used very foul language.

As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.

Later the scientist was arrested for  making an obscene clone fall.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 03:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride all night to reach town.

As they cross the vast wide open plain, Tonto complains.. "It's bloody cold tonight Kemo-Sabby"..

The Lone Ranger, helpful as ever (and not wanting to buy Tonto a pint) suggests: "When we reach the bar, why don't you jog on the spot for ten minutes, that'll warm you up.."

On reaching the town, the Lone Ranger pop's in the pub for a pint or two of Red-Eye, leaving Tonto jogging outside..

A short while later the sheriff pops his head round the door and shouts over the cliche'd piano music "Who's is the big brown horse outside?"

The Masked man answers.." It's mine officer, is there a problem ?"

"Not really", replies the sheriff, "It's just that you've left your Injun running.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-20-2001 03:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Tongue Twister.................

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, then........... What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
.
..
...
...
...
..
..
.
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-28-2001 11:20 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Riddle

There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin?
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
His son

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  18  19  20 
 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.