A farmer who hired a man to help him with work around the farm.

The first day the farmer told the man to mow the lawn.

While hewas mowing the lawn he saw a cat in the middle of the lawn. He kicked the cat but it wouldn't move. He kicked it three more times and it still wouldn't move. So he ran over the cat with the lawn mower.

The farmer was not happy when he heard what happened.The next day the man told him to nail up his fence. While he was nailing it he found a rooster sitting on it. He pushed the rooster four times but it wouldn't move. So he nailed it to the fence.

When the farmer got the story, he was very mad and warned the hired man that he has just can not screw up again.

The next day the man told him to paint his fence red. He found a donky laying by the fence, covering the botom part of it. He kicked the donkey four times but he wouldn't move. So he painted over it.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she> also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Why English is a Pain to Learn

- The bandage was wound around the wound.

- The farm was used to produce produce.

- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

- He could lead if he would get the lead out.

- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.

- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

- If you broke it, lost it, need it cheap or just can't find it
anywhere else, find it at eBay!

- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

- They were too close to the door to close it.

- The buck does funny things when the does are present.

- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

- After a number of injections my jaw got number.

- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Bumper Stickers: (Available at Film-Tech On Line Call )

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Driver carries no cash: He's married!

I need patience. NOW!

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these
handcuffs off!

I brake for hallucinations.

Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

Witches' Parking - All others Toad.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

Back off, I'm a postal worker.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

I brake for No Apparent Reason.

Hang up and drive!

I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will
defend to the end your right to stick it!

Jesus is coming - Look Busy!

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and
screaming like his passengers.

My other vehicle is a broom stick.

This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware,
you might meet the Undertaker

My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).

Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to
read it.

'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license
frame- Visalia, CA

Jesus, protect me from your followers!

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Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1.   The Cat in the Blender

2.   Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3.   Fox in Detox

4.   Who Shat in the Hat?

5.   Horton Hires a Ho

6.   The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7.   How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8.   Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9.   Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10.  One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11.  Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

12.  Are You My Proctologist?

13.  Yentl the Lentil

14.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15.  Aunts in My Pants

16.  Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

17.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm

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a confusing story

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language.

As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.

As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride all night to reach town.

As they cross the vast wide open plain, Tonto complains.. "It's bloody cold tonight Kemo-Sabby"..

The Lone Ranger, helpful as ever (and not wanting to buy Tonto a pint) suggests: "When we reach the bar, why don't you jog on the spot for ten minutes, that'll warm you up.."

On reaching the town, the Lone Ranger pop's in the pub for a pint or two of Red-Eye, leaving Tonto jogging outside..

A short while later the sheriff pops his head round the door and shouts over the cliche'd piano music "Who's is the big brown horse outside?"

The Masked man answers.." It's mine officer, is there a problem ?"