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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Animals (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Animals
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 07:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

The Deer Hunter


A deer hunter was hunting in West Virginia one sunny afternoon,and after getting a kill, proceeded to drag the deer back to his vehicle. On his way, he was stopped by a redneck game warden. "Boy, I see you got you one of them deer today! But, I'm afraid I have to check your license and make sure you're on the up-and-up." So the man produces a valid license and upon it's return, proceeds towards his vehicle.

"Hold up, boy" says the warden, "I still gotta check that deer there." Puzzled and confused, the hunter stops. The warden then steps up to the deer, shoves his finger up the deer's ass, takes it out and sniffs it. "Boy, I hate to tell you this, but this
deer is from Virginia and your license is from West Virgina...do you have a Virginia license?" As luck would have it, the hunter had one from the week before and showed it to the warden.

The next week, the same hunter got another kill and was headed back to his vehicle. The same redneck warden stops him and asks for a license. Once again, the hunter produces the license and was once again told that the warden needed to check the deer. The warden shoves his finger up the deer's ass, takes it out and sniffs it. "Boy, this here buck is from Georgia...do you have a license from Georgia?" As luck would have it, he did have one in his glove box and showed it to the warden.

The next week, the same thing happened with deer and licenses being from Tennessee, South Carolina and Alabama. Finally, after the Alabama deer, the warden asks the hunter..."Son, you got licenses from practically every state in the south...where are you from anyway?"

With that, the hunter drops his pants, bends over and says..."Why don't you tell me?"

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Michael Brown
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1516
From: Bradford, England
Registered: May 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 09:55 AM      Profile for Michael Brown   Email Michael Brown   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13

A man and his wife are out shopping, after a couple of hours they
start to get hungry so they go into a cafe and sit down at a table.

The man reading the menu says to his wife "hey look at this spelling
mistake on the menu, it says "bastard fish". I'm sure it should say
"battered fish".

So the man calls a waitress and points out the embarrassing mistake
on the menu, but the waitress says that it is not a mistake and
explains that it is the chefs own speciality and that it is highly
recommended.

So they order two bastard fish and chips and cannot beleive how tasty
and delicious it was when they had finished.

A few weeks later the man is out shopping again with his 10 year
old son and again after a couple of hours they get hungry, "Fancy
something to eat" the man says to his son.

"Yeah I'm starving Dad"

So the man and his son enter the cafe and sit down at a table. The
man then calls the attention of a waitress and orders two bastard
fish and chips.

"Certainly sir" the waitress says and promptly takes his order. Just
as the waitress leaves the table the son leans over to his father and
says "Hey Dad, isn't it f*cking great when mum's not here!".

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Michael Brown
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1516
From: Bradford, England
Registered: May 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 09:57 AM      Profile for Michael Brown   Email Michael Brown   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

One sunny day in the jungle the rabbit was running through the forest
and comes across an elephant just skinning up the biggest, juiciest
looking reefer you've ever seen, and the rabbit says "Hey Elephant
don't do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". So the
elephant drops the spliff and follows the rabbit.

Then they come across a snake and hes got the biggest, fattest line
of charlie lined up on a mirror, and the rabbit says "Hey Snake don't
do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". So he blokes the
coke away and starts jogging.

All 3 bumped into a lion and the lion is about to inject a load of
smack until the rabbit shouts out at the top of his voice "Hey Lion
don't do drugs come and run through the jungle with me!". The Lion
then stamps on the little rabbit crushes his head and squashes him
into lots of little bits!"..

The Snake said "Lion what did you just do that for?", the Lion
grunted "That bloody Rabbit is always making me run through the
f**kin jungle after he's done a few pills!!!!!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 12:52 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A midget who had a very bad lisp won a rather large sum of money in a lottery and decided to invest his money in Thoroughbredhorses. After reading the best horse breeders were in Kentucky,he flew down to look at some prospective mares. He contacted the first breeder and was interested in one mare in particular.
He didn't really know what to look for in a horse, so he decided to try and bluff his way through it.

"May I thee her teef?" the midget with the lisp asked. The horse breeder saw he was too short to see for himself so he lifted the midget up and the midget opened up the horse's mouthand looked inside at the horse's teeth. The horse owner then let him back down to the ground.

"May I thee her eye-ths?" the midget asked again. The owner once again lifted him up the midget looked into the horse's eyes and the owner returned him to the ground again.

"May I thee her ear-ths? the midget asked yet again. With considerable effort, the horse breeder sighed and lifted the lisping midget up to the horse's ears to inspect them.

"May I thee her twat?" the lisping midget asked once again. By this time the breeder was really getting tired of lifting shorty up, so he lifted the midget up, raised the horses tail and smashes the midget's face into the horse's vagina. "Here take a
GOOD look!" the horse owner says and drops the midget to the ground.

Spitting profusely, the lisping midget replies, "Perhapths I thould rephrase that. May I thee her gallop?"

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1485
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 06:35 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
RATED G

LOST DOG

3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated... answers to the name of "Lucky"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 07:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Animal

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day.

While he was standing infront of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and beat him senseless.

When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid means "fuck you."

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.

Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same.

Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Animal

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't doeverything!"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- acentipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the livingroom. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."

He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door.

Ten minutes later,no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede!

The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?

Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Birds & Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears.

"Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the there's no Santa speech. At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck,
I'll have nothing left to live for!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Parrot - Animal

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical birds and says:

"The parrot to your left costs $500."

The man asks,"Why does the parrot costs so much?"

The owner says,"Well, it knows how to use a computer. He can diagnose system bugs."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told,

"That one costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told,

"That one costs$2000." Needless to say, this begs the question,

"What can IT do?"

The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:50 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Animals

A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms.

The bartender has learned not to question people when they bring animals into the bar.

So the man sits down and starts to drink.After a while the man gets up and walks to the bathroom.

When the man leaves the bartender looks at the ducks and starts to talk to them."So what are your names?"

The first duck responds, "My name is Hewi."

So then the bartender goes, "And how was your day?"

The first ducks says, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day long."

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, "What's your name?"

The second duck says, "My name is Dewi."

Again the bartender asks, "And how was your day?"

The duck responds, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day."

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, "
Your name must be Loui then."

"No," replies the duck. "I'm Puddles and don't ask about my fucking day."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 02:05 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Dogs

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both take up too much space on the be

2. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4.Neither understands what you see in cats.

5. Both want dominance.

6. Both do dishes by licking them clean.

7. Both chase cars.

8. The larger ones tend to drool.

9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you are gone

3. You can train a Dog.

4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.

6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw.

8. Dogs are color blind.

9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1.  Dogs like beer

2.  Dogs don't hate their bodies.

3.  Dogs don't criticize.

4.  Dogs never expect gifts.

5.  Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.

6.  Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.

7.  You never have to wait for a dog--they are ready to go 24 hours a day.

8.  Dogs don't cry.

9.  Dogs love it when your friends come over.

10. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

11. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late --the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

12. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

13. Gods find you amusing when you are drunk.

14. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

15. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

17. A dog's parents never visit.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 03:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
 Rated X Sheep  
   
    
There were these two rednecks working on a farm with sheep.

One day a wolf came and all the sheep went crazy, running all over the place, but the two rednecks (Bill and Bob) came and killed the wolf, calming down all the sheep.

However, one of the sheep in all the comotion got his head stuck in the fence.

Bill seized the oportunity, went over to the sheep and starts fucking the sheep in the ass.

When he is done he looks over at Bob and says, "You want a turn?"

Bob replies, "YEAH, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 03:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Lion

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I tell you, I just shit in my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 08:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A Prostitute enters a bar and sees a koala sitting on the bar stool. The prostitute goes over to the koala who decides to go back to her place.

After hours of passion the koala gets off and heads to the door.

Thinking the koala being an animal might not understand the work of a prostitute, she shows him the term in the dictionary:

"Prostitute n.provides sexual services for payment."


The koala flicks forward a few pages and shows her: "Koala n.a marsupial, eats bush and leaves"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 01:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

There was a man that had a 60 cm long dick and his wife couldn't stand it any more.

She said that it was too big and that it hurt too much when they had sex so she said that she will divorce him if he doesn't do something.

So he goes to the park and sits on abench all depressed...an old lady comes by and asks him what's wrong

. The man, all depressed decides to tell her everything. After telling her the whole story she feels sorry and tells him that she heard about an ancient frog in the pond that could shorten his penis.

He just had to ask the frog out and if the frog said no his dick would shorten 10cm every time.

The man having a chance runs to the pond and sees the frog. He says:"Frog, can I go out with you?"and the frog says no.

Suddenly his dick shortens to 50 centimeters.

The next day he goes to the frog again and asks her out and the frog says no again.His dick suddenly shortens to 40centimeters.

Every time it shortens of 10 cm.The man is so happy and the next day he goes
back to the frog and asks her out again and once more she says no.

Now his penis is 10 cm less and has a length of 30 cm. he is really happy now and says that 10 cm less again and he would be fine.

So he goes to the frog and says:"can I go out with you?"and the frog:"goddamn it haven't you heard me?NO NO NO!!!!

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