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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Gay's (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 7 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7 
 
Author Topic: Gay's
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 07:42 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R


There were three men talking on a golf course. The first man says "My sons a car dealer and he's so successful that in the past year he's been able to give a good friend 2 new cars."

The second man says "Oh yeah, well my sons a carpenter and he's so successful that in the past year he's been able to build a new house for a good friend."

The last man says "That's nothing, my son's such a successful stock broker that in the last year he's been able to give a good friend a large stock portfolio."

A fourth man walks up and they tell him that they were just talking about how successful their son's were. The fourth man says "I've just recently found out that my son is gay, but he must be pretty good at it because in the last year he's gotten
two new cars, a new house, and a large stock portfolio."


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 08:46 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

Three Gay Men's Ashes


Three gay men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate St.Peter said, "You have all three requested to be cremated. What would you like done with your ashes?"

The first man said, "My boyfriend liked to skydive so I want mine dumped out a plane."

The second man said, "My boyfriend liked to scubadive so I want mine dumped off a boat."

The third man said, "My boyfriend liked to have sex so I want mine dumped in a bowl of chili so I can tear his butt up one last time."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 02:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Three men are about to go into heaven, a robber, a pickpocket,and a gay man.

God says to them, "To enter heaven you must overcome your greatest temptations..."

God turned to the robber and said, "go back down to earth and don't steal anything for an entire day."

The robber agreed. God turned to the pickpocket and said, "go back down to earth and don't pickpocket anything for an entire day."

The pickpocket agreed.

God finnally said to the gay man, "go back down to earth and restrain from having sex with any man for an entire day."

The gay man agreed.

All three were back on earth, where they found themselves in a mall.

Then the robber saw a brand new stereo system in the window of an electronics store. He couldn't stand it and just as he grabbed the handle of the stereo, WHOOOOSH...he vanished into thin air and was sent to hell.

Then the pickpocket saw a woman drop her bag, and just as he was bending down to swipe some money, WHOOOOOSH, the gay man vanished.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 02:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R


A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said,

"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 02:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A man was out of town on business.

While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, “Hm, a beer would be really nice right now.”

So he began to wander the streets of this unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says “Bud Light please.” The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, “What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis.” The bartender, calming the man, said, “Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I’ll serve you a drink.” The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, “Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something.”
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can’t come up with anything.

So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, “Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin.”

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice,

“I call my Ford, because it is built Ford tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?” Again, the man quickly turns away.

Then, suddenly he says, “Bartender, come here, I am ready to order.” The bartender says, “What‘ll ya have?” The man says “A Bud Light please.” The bartender asks, “What is the name of your penis?”

The man responds, “Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman.”

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1485
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 05:52 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

So this guy goes into a bar and notices two very attractive women sitting at a table. This guy, he tells his friend the bartender to send these two broads a round. Well, the bartender tells the guy not to bother because the two broads are dykes. Nonetheless, the guy insists and goes over to the women to socialize, and see if he can get "lucky". He asks the first dyke why she is gay. She responds that she loves tits, any kind, color, shape or form! He then asks the second dyke why she is gay. Her response is the same, except she loves pussy. So the guy finishes his socializing, and no, he did not get "lucky". So he goes back to his friend the bartender, who is very anxious to find out the "scoup". This guy tells the bartender that he had been edumacated--that he learned that he was a lesbian also!


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 10:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man walks into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me a double shot of Jack Daniels".

The man takes the shot and gulps it down, then he puts his head down on the bar. The man sits like this for the longest time.

Finally, the bartender goes over to the man and says, mister, I noticed that ever since you did the double shot of Jack that you have been sitting here with your head down. Is there something that I can help you with?

The man looks up and says, no, nothing you can help me with. Bartender replies and says, I have been a bartender for a long time and have heard lots of stories, maybe I can help.

Man looks at the bartender & says, I got some bad news today. I found out that my brother was queer.

Bartender says, man that's tough, I don't really know what to say that can help you. The man gets up and leaves the bar.

Next day:

Same man comes into the bar and does the same thing, orders a double shot of Jack Daniels and puts his head down on the bar.

Bartender says, man I noticed that you are in the same position that you were yesterday.

Man looks at bartender and says, got some more bad news today. Bartenders says it can't be any worse than yesterday. Man says, yea, found out today that my other brother is queer.

Bartender looks at the man and says, can I ask you a question? Man says sure. Well, is there anyone in your family that likes pussy?

Man says yea my sister.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 02:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

A homosexual man went to the doctor for his regular yearly examination.

The doctor placed his stethoscope on his left chest and asked him to say "70".

The gay man says "70"

The doctor places the scope on this right chest and says "say 70".

Again the gay man says "70".

The doctor then places the scope on this back and says "say 70".

The gay man says again "70".

The doctor then says "everything sounds good but one last thing to do. You need a rectal examination."

The gay man excitedly takes off his pants and bends over.

The doctor then places 2 fingers in his rectum and asks the man to say 70.

THe gay man then replys....1,2,3......

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-18-2001 03:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Modern Version of Old Joke

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.

"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....."

The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...."

The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-18-2001 08:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Did you hear about the gay spiders that kept looking at each other's fly?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-25-2001 02:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

There was this couple and they had a little boy, and all the little boy could talk about is how he wanted a baby brother

So one night the couple was putting their little boy down for bed. A hour laterwhen they thought the little boy was sleep, they started to make deep pasionate love as they were both in the middle of climaxing, the little boy bursted into the room.

He said " DADDY,DADDY,what are you doing to mommy?"

The man looked at his son and said " son you know the little brother you are always asking for, daddy is putting your little brother inside of your mommy and nine months from now he will be here."

So the little boy went back to bed happy as lamb.

So the next day the man came home from work and saw his son crying.

The man went up to the little boy and asked what was the matter.

The little boy looked at his father and said,"you know the brother that you and mommy was making the other night?"

His father looked at him and said,"yeah."

The little boy said"today when you was at work our next door nieghbor Mrs. Debbie came and ate my little brother from out of mommy!!!"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-25-2001 03:05 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R


Three salesman are all on a buisness trip, and are sharing the same car. But unfortunately, the car breaks down. The men call a towing service, and decide to spend the night at the closest motel. However they are unfortunate again, and find out there is only one room, and one bed. The three are happily married, and
decided there is no wrong in sharing a bed with a guy.

The next morning the men all wake up, the guy on the right side says, "Woah! I had the weirdest dream; someone was jerking me off allnight long!" The man on the left is shocked, and responds, "What a coincidence, so did I!" Then the man in the
middle sits up, "Weird... I had a dream I was skiing..."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-25-2001 03:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York.

It's Hard-hat Joey first day working on the fifty-third floor.

At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.

He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick"

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week"

"I tell ya what" says the foreman, "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do"

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss.

Meanwhile the phone rings inside. the foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it.

Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder.

The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor.

When asked to give his view of what happened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says "you know what I think?

I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers"

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells what the hell kinda crap is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming 'where'd that cocksucker go?!'"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-05-2001 01:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Key West, Fl. ?

A: With a crowbar

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-06-2001 02:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Two gay guys are walking past a funeral home and one says to the other, ''Do you want to go inside and down a couple cold ones?''

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