Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Blonds (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 29 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  27  28  29 
 
Author Topic: Blonds
Paul G. Thompson
The Weenie Man

Posts: 4718
From: Mount Vernon WA USA
Registered: Nov 2000


 - posted 06-27-2001 09:46 PM      Profile for Paul G. Thompson   Email Paul G. Thompson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Blonde Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 10:13 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Three blondes were training to be cops. One day their instructor asked each of them to to say the significance of a profile of a criminal. The first blonde replied - " Well that's easy, he has only one eye!"

After a slight pause, the instructor replied - " That's because it is his 'profile,' it only shows half his face." Slightly perturbed, he asked the second blonde. She replied - " Well that's soo simple, he has only one ear!"


Begining to get quite frustrated he said - " What the @##$% I just finished explaining that it's his profile, you can only see half of his #$$%@ face!" Extremely flustered, he asked the third blonde, and told her not to give him a stupid answer. After thinking for a while, she replied - " Of Course! He wears contacts!"

Looking quite dumbfounded, especially after the previous answers, the instructer said that he would go and check the man's files. After about fifteen minutes, he came back with a proud glow about him. " You're absolutely right, how did you know?" he asked. The blonde then replied - " Well Duh! How can he wear glasses with only one eye, and one ear?"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 12:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 12:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I knew a blonde that was so stupid......

- she called me to get my phone number.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- she tried to drown a fish.

- she thought a quarterback was a refund.

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

- she studied for a blood test.

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

- she sold the car for gas money.

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said -"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 07:18 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two sisters inherited the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it.

The man told her that he would sell it for 599 dollars, no less.

After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walked into the telegraph office, and said, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull fo our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her,then added, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she'd only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'

"The telegraph operator shook his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The sister explained, "She'll read it very slowly: Come-for-the-bull"   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 07:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Blond

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken,

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X Blond


It was the 4th of July and Marie was setting the table in the backyard for the annual bar-b-q.

As she set down the coleslaw she realized that her husband, Ronnie, was not present. Since he was a fireman and his job was crucial to the well being of people she assured herself that there was a fire somewhere and that he was tending to it.

An hour into the party Bob, John, and Lewis arrived. Since they were all co-workers and friends with Ron she thought that they would know where he would be.

"Where is Ron?" Marie asked.

"Well knowing Ron he's probably in Fire, lucky bastard!" answered John. "I've been in Fire before, if you get deep enough Fire gets wet," said Lewis with a wicked grin.

"We've all been in Fire before, that's why Fire is there," added Bob.

Marie decided that her husband was working and that his friends were drunk. "Wet fire?" thought Marie, "They've been drinking."

Half an hour later Ron arrived quite happy and sociable. "'Eybuddy! Where's Fire?!" yelled Bob obnoxiously as he and the others laughed. "She's at rest," answered Ron with a smile.

Marie couldn't believe her ears. "She? He must've meant it's at rest." Marie kept telling herself that until an extremely voluptuous blonde wearing a green, string bikini top and tight, denim short-shorts showed up.

As Marie realized she didn't know who this could-be-model was she walked up to her and said, "Hi, I'm Marie, Ron's wife; who are you?"As the blonde adjusted her top to keep her twin 44dds from falling out she replied with a luminous smile,

"My name is Fire

 |  IP: Logged

Stan Tupper
Film Handler

Posts: 1
From: Hilton Head Island, SC, USA
Registered: Jun 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 09:07 AM      Profile for Stan Tupper   Email Stan Tupper   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
"G"

Blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing, so she gets all the equipment - heavy clothing, boots, rod & reel, ice auger, etc.

After walking around on the ice for awhile, she comes to what she thinks is a likely spot, puts down her stuff except the ice auger, and prepares to drill when a voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

Startled, she looks all around but sees nobody. Nervously she decides to move. When she gets to another likely spot, once again she takes up her auger and once again the voice booms out even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

Now she's really getting scared - there isn't a soul in sight. Shaken, she trudges to yet a third spot, puts down her stuff, picks up the auger, and the voice comes again: "I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"

She looks all around and looks up and meekly calls out "Is that you, Lord?"

And the voice booms out "NO, YOU IDIOT, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS SKATING RINK!"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 01:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.

Noticing she hasn't taken off her headphones at all during the exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He tells her to take them off. "Oh, no. I just couldn't," she says, "without them, I'd surely die." "Oh, come now," the doctor says, "let me help you." And he pulls them off her head.

Sure enough, moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up
the headphones and hears, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..."

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 11:13 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, a blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 11:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

What's the date today?" asks a blonde.

"I don't know. You've got a newspaper in your hands... why don't you look at it?"

"That wouldn't do any good, it's yesterday's paper."

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
One night a blonde walked into a bar.

She sat down and shouted "I swear, we had so much fun last night." She got a beer and then began to chant, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days."

Then another blonde walked in. She said the same thing and began to chant along with the other.

Finally another blonde came in with the same frame of mind. She chanted right along. "51 days, 51 days, 51days."

The bartender asked, "Why in the hell do you three keep saying 51 days?"

The blondes replied, "Because we bought one of those puzzles that say 2-3 years and we finished it in 51 days!"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 06:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


The Blonde's Revenge!

* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

* What's black, blue, and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

* What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it!

* What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

* Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

* What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

* What's a brunette's mating call?"
Has the blonde left yet?

* What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

* Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price   

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
This topic comprises 29 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  27  28  29 
 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.