Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » SEX (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  43  44  45 
 
Author Topic: SEX
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 03:26 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X  -

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.After the wedding theyleft for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride sawa bull and a cow having sex.

She asks,"What are they doing honey?" He answers,"They are roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see."

They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex.

Again she asks,"What are they doing honey?"

He answers, "They are roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see."

They finally get to the hotel,washed up,and got ready for bed.

They get in bed and start exploring each other's body.

She discovers his penis and asked, "What is this?"

"That's my rope." he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?"

"They are my knots," he replies.

Finally, they begin making love.After several minutes,she says,"Stop, honey, wait a minute!"

"What's the matter baby?" he asks.

She replies,"Undo those knots, I need more rope! [Big Grin]

[ 09-10-2003, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 03:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

These 3 guys that are really good friends decide to go out together one night to the whore-house for blow-jobs. One is rich, one is middle-class, one is poor. They go in and the mistress greets them at the door. "How can I help you fine gentlemen?"

One says, "We want blow-jobs done. How much do they cost?"

She replies, "Well, we have levels of how good you can get it, there's a $10 job, a $30 job, and a $50 job."

The poor guy says, "I'll go first then...I want a $10 job." So she takes him in the back room, and when he comes out he has a huge smile on his face. The other guys ask, "What'd she do? What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was great. She put whipped cream all over me and sucked me dry."

So the middle-class guy goes next, and gets the $30 job. When he comes out he also has a huge smile on his face. The guys ask, "What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was wonderful! She put whipped cream and nuts on me, then she nibbled and sucked me dry!"

So the rich guy is all excited, he decides to get the $50 job. She takes him in the back room, and when he comes back out he's all hunched over and groaning in pain. "Help me!" he cries.

So the two friends grab him to keep him from falling over and say, "What happened? What's wrong with you?"

"Oh it was terrible," he moaned. "It started out so good...she put whipped cream and chocolate and nuts on me...ugh! Ouch..."

"Yeah? And then what?" They looked at him eagerly.

"Damn thing looked so good I tried to eat it myself!"

 |  IP: Logged

Paul G. Thompson
The Weenie Man

Posts: 4718
From: Mount Vernon WA USA
Registered: Nov 2000


 - posted 06-27-2001 09:34 PM      Profile for Paul G. Thompson   Email Paul G. Thompson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated "R".

The pretty young lady was having tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine as he bent forward to begin.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"


 |  IP: Logged

Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 04:43 AM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated: PG

This out-of-work guy goes to see his doctor with a strange complaint. It seems that his penis has turned orange and he is very concerned about it.

Upon examination, the doctor asks, "How long have you had this condition?"

Guy: "Ever since I've been out of work."

Doc: "Well, what have you been doing in your time off?"

Guy: "Not too much, just watching pornos and eating Cheetos…"

 |  IP: Logged

Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 05:42 AM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated: R

Last night, my friends and I went to a gay night club. One
of the my friends wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out
a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked
the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
He calls the dancer back over,
licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over,
and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going,
but fortunately he just stuck it to one of the dancer's butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going,
the dancer gyrates over to me! Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to
top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it
down the crack of his butt, grabbed the $80 bucks, and went home.


 |  IP: Logged

Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 06:02 AM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated: PG

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we
drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a
hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If
you get cancer-no big deal, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt...
you're dead anyhow.
What about drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size
of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're
dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Oooooh, you're gonna HATE Fridays.

 |  IP: Logged

Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 06:14 AM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated: R

A 15 (18-21 PC) year old boy has sex for the first time. He comes home and tells
his mom. His mom is so angry she sends him up to his room. Then
meets him up there and starts yelling at him telling him he is too
young to have sex at 15. The father walks in the door
and hears all this noise coming out of the boy's room, walks up to the
room and asks what's going on? His wife tells him that their son
had sex for the first time and he's only 15.

The father replies that he will handle this so the mother leaves the room.
Quietly the father says to his son that its all right… "I had sex for the first time when
I was 15 also... I'm proud of you. You're now becoming a man. In fact,
lets go out and buy that bike you wanted with that nice leather seat."
The boy replies, "OK dad, but can I wait a couple of days to ride
it because my butt still really hurts!!!!!"


 |  IP: Logged

Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug

Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 06:18 AM      Profile for Phil Hill   Email Phil Hill       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated: R

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and
talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist;
…all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

 |  IP: Logged

Michael Brown
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1518
From: Bradford, England
Registered: May 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 09:48 AM      Profile for Michael Brown   Email Michael Brown   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

An couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them £50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
mine "The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it
here for £50, and - I get £43 back from BUPA."


 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 03:34 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Here is a little gem that can be typed as a business letter and mailed off to that one person who pissed you off!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE
DROPTROWSER, CA 94537

Dear Mr.______

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not protray a positive, romantic image. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even it slipped off before we could gett the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend along with our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC

Burley Dick
President

p.s. Remember our slogan:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your willie.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!!!!

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-28-2001 03:39 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

FROM A CARTOON:

it aint easy being a DICK! I've got a head that I can't think with...an eye I can't see out of...I have to hang around two nuts all the time...my closest neighbor is an ASSHOLE...my best friend is a PUSSY, and every time I get excited, I throw UP!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 01:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert.

They came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't).

For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall.

Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies..."Fireman."

The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

 |  IP: Logged

Michael Pace
Film Handler

Posts: 64
From: Dalby, Queensland, Australia
Registered: Aug 2000


 - posted 06-30-2001 10:03 AM      Profile for Michael Pace   Email Michael Pace   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R.


A really old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist looks at him and suggests that the old man would be far too old to require the use of a condom.

The old man replies "Its the old Lady, she likes the smell of burning rubber."

 |  IP: Logged

Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 01:57 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

The AMA recently approved a generic form of Viagara. Its called Mycocksarisen!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX

A little boy and his father were walking through a field when the came across two dogs doing the nasty.

The boy, very curious about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him what they were doing.

The father, trying to make his answer assubtle as possible replied, "They are making puppies."

Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted a drink of water.

He walked over to his parents room and caught them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked his father what they were doing.

The father replied, "We are making you a little brother."

To this the boy said, "Turn mom over, I'd rather have a puppy!"

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  43  44  45 
 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.