"WOMENS LANGUAGE INTERPRETOR"

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows. "Oh, go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine", and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a “That's Okay.”

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome."

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

The following is from an actual 1950s home economics text book intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbonin your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lotof work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a family.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide which one you wanna marry."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit,not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."

So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were immediately wed.

Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous, ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering his parents were perfect.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:"All the men on this floor are short and plain."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so,knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms.

The welfare officer asks her how many children she has.

"Ten boys,"

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy"

"All named Leroy? "'Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard I just yells LEROY, and when I wants them all to come to dinner I just yells LEROY!"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

Martha Stewart vs. Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed-potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's stillcooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brushing some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking yields a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook with, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends$15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.....

If Woman Ruled the World...     

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking

.- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court

- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

.- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime

.- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures

- Men would learn phrases like:  "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments

- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

.- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds

.- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly

.- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.You'll learn this as you get older.

"The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play.

She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.

The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

***How to Shower Like a Woman***

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Are you a BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a YUPPIE, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a DINK...Dual Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies:"I'm a WIFE...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

A second woman answers their question before they even ask it,"BITCH."

"What exactly is a BITCH?!" they ask in unison.