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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Computers (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Computers
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 02:31 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Helpdesk Nightmares


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell
the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I
couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the
call.)

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-29-2001 01:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop.

When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 07:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy.

Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire--youknow. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized inTibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!

We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

**********
Dear Mom,The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

**********

Dear Mom,Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flow chart class

.Love,

Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?It's spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. Idon't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often.You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too.

Lay off,Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love,

Billy.

**********

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony wormcode. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick saysi t's okay.

Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocke protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love,

Billy.

**********

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes.Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed,

William.**********

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards,

William.

**********

Mother,Stop treating me like a child. True--physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.?

I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely,

William.

**********

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Computer

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An "ID ten T" error?

What's that?..in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin...

"Haven't you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?"

"No,"replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote..... I D 1 0 T   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 08:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Computer

Here are some pranks to do and play on your co-workers or other family members.

Which is Which? Make sure that the person doesn't have too many icons on their desktop. Then change all the icons to the same picture and name them the same, such as-having 10 recycle bins on your desktop and not knowing which is which.

Frozen Desktop.Move the cursor to the corner of the screen so it is unseen,make a copy of the screen and set it as the desktop background.Then make a folder some where on the hard drive and move all the icons there. The pictures of the icons will be there but you couldn't use them.

Also put the toolbar on auto-hide.Voices.Under the control panel you can change the sounds. Record yourself saying something annoying or yelling obscenities. Then put them as a commonly used sound, toolbar, open and closing programs, or selecting things.

Some of these might not work depending on the computer but they are good ways to get even with other co-workers or friends.   

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JC Cowles
Film Handler

Posts: 77
From: St. Paul, MN
Registered: Jun 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 01:21 AM      Profile for JC Cowles   Email JC Cowles   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How to end a Tech Support call quickly.

TS: "Do you still have the box it came in?"

CUST: "Yes"

TS: "Good, put the computer back in the box and bring it to the store you bought it from. Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 01:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island." My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa." The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk." Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out." Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar." Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses." Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour. Instead of an error message........ a "You ain't gonna friggin' believedis!" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help) Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION
platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa................A word processin'program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da

BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 03:17 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about
foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message
says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
the reviews, but you still love it.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 03:39 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Subject: WINDOWS 98 RECALL It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at
the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features: Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98 :

tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
scratch paper ......notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
inner-net...........Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in KY by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car ................same as truck
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the races
car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 02:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A language professor was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in french is feminine -- la maison. "Pencil" in french is masculine -- le crayon. One
puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The French teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender (la computer), because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2) The native language they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.

3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

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Bobby Henderson
"Ask me about Trajan."

Posts: 10677
From: Lawton, OK, USA
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-15-2001 08:17 PM      Profile for Bobby Henderson   Email Bobby Henderson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Some of you may have already heard this one.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: none. They'll just declare darkness the new standard.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 09:43 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer.  The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password.  The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again.  Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out in laughter at the reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected.  Reason: too short"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 09:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Internet Addict


1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.

8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.

9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.

10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12. Your dog has its own home page.

13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check
it again.

15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.

17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.

18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2
months.

19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a
job.

21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and
mouse.

22. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to
bed."

23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP... because you never log off.

25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line
so the two of you can chat.

28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-03-2001 01:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Pickup Lines for Geeks

• Nice Set of Floppies !

• Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and  insert a bigger CPU.

• I'd like to play on your laptop.

• Need me to unzip your files?

• If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long

• I'd like to boot up your PC !

• I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen. 

• I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

• I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video..

• Your homepage or mine?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 07:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


This memo is from an unnamed computer company.

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items

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