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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Nuns (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Nuns
Brad Miller
Administrator

Posts: 17641
From: Plano, TX (36.2 miles NW of Rockwall)
Registered: May 99


 - posted 06-27-2001 02:08 PM      Profile for Brad Miller   Author's Homepage   Email Brad Miller       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 08:15 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Have you ever watched one of those T.V. specials honoring advertisement commericals? Well I saw a goodie! These two nuns are walking along in their convent when they happen upon a naked stone cherub statue with it's dick broken off! The two nuns blush, pick up the dick and procede to go to Mother Superior. Mind you that not a word is spoken during this commerical! Well, they blush again as they present the broken dick to Mother Superior, who in turn blushes back. She then pulls a particular brand of super-glue from her desk drawer and flashes the brand name to the viewers.(so now we know what the advertisement is for!). The three of them then walk back to the statue and Mother Superior glues the dick back on DOWN! As the three of them walk away, one of the nuns does a quick double-back and flips the dick UP!-end of commerical. No Shit - this was a real commerical - I think Dick Clark and Ed McMahon were the hosts!

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Will Kutler
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Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 08:26 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I think this will be ok for this thread - its about sisterhood women/nuns?

Well, there is this group of sisterhood women or nuns (take your pick) and they are out on a field trip/outing. Their bus is involved in a wreck and they all die. Well, they go up to the Pearly Gates, but lo and behold, they were unexpected and there were no accomodations for them! So as a temp solution, the Angels ask the Devel for a favor, if he could put them up for a week or so until their accomodations in Heaven could be prepared. So, the Devel says no problem and puts the nuns/sisterhood women up. Well, several months go by and it finally dawns on the Angels in Heaven that they plain bum forgot about those poor ole women! So they beseech the Devel's forgiveness and offer to take the women off his hands! So, the Devel replied "No Dice, since they've been here, they raised several million dollars and air conditioned the whole place!"

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Geoffrey Weiss
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Posts: 68
From: Lexington, KY, USA
Registered: May 2001


 - posted 06-27-2001 10:15 PM      Profile for Geoffrey Weiss   Email Geoffrey Weiss   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG13

Brad? Are you a nice Catholic boy too ... creating a "nuns" thread like that?

Anyway ...

Two nuns are walking down the street late at night after a mission to the poor when two men in black masks jump them from an alley. After stealing what little money the nuns are carrying, the men throw the nuns to the ground and begin raping them.

The younger, less world-weary nun casts her eyes to heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"

The older nun looks over at the younger nun and says, "Mine does."

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Paul G. Thompson
The Weenie Man

Posts: 4718
From: Mount Vernon WA USA
Registered: Nov 2000


 - posted 06-27-2001 11:11 PM      Profile for Paul G. Thompson   Email Paul G. Thompson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it.

She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down and from nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine she goes. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong! "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"


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William Dickson
Film Handler

Posts: 41
From: Riverside, Ca. USA
Registered: Jan 2000


 - posted 06-28-2001 08:23 PM      Profile for William Dickson   Email William Dickson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R
Q: How do you get a nun pregnent?
A: F*** her!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 10:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Nuns

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After along period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister this looks pretty grim."

"I know father." The nun answered,

"In fact," said the priest, "I don't think it will be likely that we can survive more than a day or two"

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I've never seen a women's breast before, would you show me yours?"

"Well under the circumstances I don't see it being a problem." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breast.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister,"

"I have never seen a man's penis, could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied and lifted his robe.

"Oh father may I touch it?"

This the priest allowed and soon sported a huge erection. "Sister, you know if I put this in the right place it can give life?"

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is sister."

"Then stick it up the camels arse, and lets get the fuck out of here...."   

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Mark Nicol
Film Handler

Posts: 13
From: Perth, Western Australia
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 07:00 AM      Profile for Mark Nicol   Email Mark Nicol   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated PG

Two Nuns were happily strolling through Central Park one day when a streaker runs by...

One Nun had a Stroke!

The other one couldnt quite reach


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 08:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

There were 4 women who wanted to become nuns.  

They went to the convent and went thru all the steps to become a nun.

They're Mother Superior had one more thing for them to do.  It was a cleasing excercise.  They had to wash away any sexual impurities with holy water.  

There was to be complete silence while this was done.

The first nun had seen a dick so she splashed the holy water on her eyes and walked away.  

The second nun had touched a dick so she dipped her hands in the holy water and walked away.  J

ust before the 3rd nun approached the holy water the 4th nun raised her hand.  

Mother Superior said "what is it,child?"  

The forth nun said, "Can I go before her (the 3rd nun)?"   

"why, child?"   

The 4th nun answered, "because if you think that I'm gargling with that water after she sits in it you're out of your damn mind!!!!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 07:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting."I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down tothe ground after going only about 10 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out ofthe bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches fro the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 11:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG      

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.  

A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 02:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led from church to the reformatory.

They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the parrot would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day they heard "yellow,blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the color of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house. Precisely the parrot spoke "black, black, black."Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!

One of the nuns suggested: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day they would not wear underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the Parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At he beginning, it looked a bit puzzled, swung back and forth ont he cane on which he rested......after a while the Parrot spoke,"Straight, Straight, Curly!" 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 08:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A nun was walking into the convent, when the priest noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"Oh no father, just a little gas." sister Susan replied.

A month later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"Oh no father, just a little gas." she replied.

A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 02:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]  -

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"  -

[ 07-30-2003, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 11:04 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A young nun joined a church to serve God. She was very religious and very good. It all happened one day, she suddenly had this desire to have sex. She knew it's wrong but she couldn't help it. Confused, she consulted with an elder nun for solution.

The Old nun handed her a gun and said, "Well, my young one, in this sort of situation, you can go somewhere, where nobody canfind you, and fire a blank shot from the gun. It'll ease your desire."

The Young Nun didn't believe it, but she thought, what could be worse? So she found herself a place and shot the gun. Mysteriously, the desire had vanished. The young Nun thanked the Old nun.

Days after days, week after weeks, the desire started to grow stronger and stronger. The Young nun started to fire the gun more and more. She couldn't help it. Disturbed, she wondered why the Old nun seemed to have no sexual desire or whatsoever. She decided to investigate.

One afternoon after lunch, the young nun followed the Old nun until she went back to her room. After hours of waiting, the Old nun came out with a huge backpack, sneaking out the church. The curious young nun followed her.

The old nun stopped at the tip of the hill behind the church. The young nun hid behind a bush and observed. To her horror, the Old nun grabbed two assault rifles from the pack, and started firing, with a grenade launcher ready at hand...

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