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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Joke-Yak (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  99  100  101 
 
Author Topic: Joke-Yak
John Wilson
Film God

Posts: 5430
From: Sydney, Australia.
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 10-22-2000 02:23 AM      Profile for John Wilson   Email John Wilson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Why not throw on any good jokes you've heard?

I'll start...

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM,
an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore
was born.

That clears up a lot of things.

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Gracia L. Babbidge
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 709
From: Bowdoin, Maine
Registered: Aug 2000


 - posted 10-23-2000 02:03 AM      Profile for Gracia L. Babbidge   Author's Homepage   Email Gracia L. Babbidge   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
*falls out her chair laughing*

Maybe after composing myself a bit, I'll be able to think of a funny joke...maybe...

*still sniggling*

------------------
In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.

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John Wilson
Film God

Posts: 5430
From: Sydney, Australia.
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 10-23-2000 04:14 PM      Profile for John Wilson   Email John Wilson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach
asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball
deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first
base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he
could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 10-24-2000 08:28 AM      Profile for Evans A Criswell   Author's Homepage   Email Evans A Criswell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The Silver Gravy Ladle

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the silver gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the silver gravy ladle."

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Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6353
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99


 - posted 10-24-2000 07:48 PM      Profile for Randy Stankey   Email Randy Stankey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
"When a cow has an attack of bloat (actually methane gas generated in the stomach), it must obtain relief promptly or die.

"A Dutch veterinarian was summoned recently to treat a cow suffering from this affliction, an agricultural news service reported. He tried a standard remedy, which is to insert a tube carefully up the beast's rear end.

"A satisfying rush of gas followed. With misplaced scientific zeal, the vet, perhaps seeking a source of cheap heat and light, then applied a match. The resulting torch like jet set the barn ablaze. It burned to the ground. The flames spread to the nearby fields, which were consumed.

"The vet was convicted of negligence and fined. The cow remained serene."

-from Remarkabilia, by John Train


*********************************************
I also keep a jokes page on my website:

http://homepage.mac.com/randystankey/QnJ.html

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Dustin Mitchell
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1865
From: Mondovi, WI, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 10-24-2000 11:12 PM      Profile for Dustin Mitchell   Email Dustin Mitchell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you like fortune cookies? Then check out this site, its not what you expect from a fortune cookie . http://www.badcookie.com/

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Rachel Kovacs
Film Handler

Posts: 22
From: Erie, PA, USA
Registered: Sep 2000


 - posted 10-24-2000 11:48 PM      Profile for Rachel Kovacs   Email Rachel Kovacs   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This one is especially appreciated by those of us who went to a Catholic school run by the Sisters of Mercy, but it's a funny joke, no matter what...
***
A traveler had been on the road for weeks, all alone, and was beginning to desire female companionship. As he was driving along, he suddenly noticed a sign on the roadside: "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 miles." There were more signs, indicating five more miles, then three, then one, and finally, the next right.
He came up to a small building, with "Sisters of Mercy" hanging next to the door. As he'd been raised Catholic, he was feeling a little guilty as he rang the doorbell, but he was getting desperate. A small woman in a long habit opened the door.
"Yes, my son?" she asked.
"Umm, is this the House of Prostitution?"
"Of course," she smiled. "You must pay me first, then go through the door at the end of the hall, and you'll get what you came here for." He deposited the requested amount in the basket, entered the building, went down the hall, and through the door, as she had directed.
As the door swung shut behind him, he was surprised to find himself standing outside the building. He whirled around, and found one last sign in front of him: "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 10-26-2000 07:55 AM      Profile for Evans A Criswell   Author's Homepage   Email Evans A Criswell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This one is pretty bad:

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"

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Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6353
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99


 - posted 10-26-2000 10:04 AM      Profile for Randy Stankey   Email Randy Stankey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Three couples were waiting at the pearly gates for St. Peter to admit them to heaven...

The first couple walks up and St. Peter looks at the man and looks in his book. He says, "You can't come into heaven." The man asks why. St. Peter replies, "You're too greedy! You love money more than anything else. In fact you even maried a woman named Penny!" He sends them away.

The second couple walks up and St. Peter looks at the man and looks in his book. He says, "You can't come into heaven." The man asks why. St. Peter says, "You're a glutton! You love food more than anything else. In fact you even married a woman named Candy!" He sends them away.

The third man looks at his partner and says, "Well, Dick, It doesn't look good for us!"

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Dustin Mitchell
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1865
From: Mondovi, WI, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 10-25-2000 10:31 PM      Profile for Dustin Mitchell   Email Dustin Mitchell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, being election season and all, I'll interject this. For those damn foriegners on this site ( ), in the US every ballot has a write in spot, where if you don't want to vote for the listed candidates, you can write in any name you want. Well, I found a site that lists a bunch of candidates who are only on the ballot in certain states, and a whole slew of poeple running their campaigns solely on a 'write in' basis. These are only my favorite of the bunch, find all of them at: http://www.politics1.com/indep.htm

Catton, a write-in candidate for President in 1996, is making a second bizarre write-in bid for the White House in 2000. "US Postal employees had been stealing my mail since 1981 -- suppressing my First Amendment rights to raise up a NEW Christian denomination -- so I decided to be a candidate for President," explains Catton. A conscientious objector during the Vietnam War and a supporter of total nuclear disarmament, Catton says he is now the nominee of the unknown "Church of God Party."
Webpage: http://www.bwnow.com/godsparty/

A religious Agnostic who attended junior college, the 64-year-old Gottier initially summed up his qualifications as follows: "I have lived a long time, and I have learned to have very little respect for the people that are the elected U.S. federal government." He describes his other major qualification as: "I have 51 inventions but I do not have enough money to get [even] one patent" -- and lists one of his inventions as "a gravity engine." Gottier has also authored a campaign book entitled Another Candidate for President of the USA, an e-book with "844 ideas for new U.S. federal laws."
Webpage: http://www.vote-smart.org/ce/profile.asp?id=BZZ63385

Grimes bills himself as the "Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union." As for his use of the word "Fascist," Grimes explains he wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome "to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth." Grimes believes that "the psychic is the next great step in the evolution of humankind on this planet." And it gets more weird: as far as a platform, Grimes wants to address "the dilemmas now facing America and the whole of Western civilization: Democracy, Christianity, International Capitalism, Earth Changes, U.F.O.'s, government cover-ups, and others." Citing to Cayce and Nostradamus, Grimes predicts that "the United States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular-shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states." UFOs, psychics, fascism and American states physically falling away into the ocean? Huh? Worth a visit simply for all of the oddball theories espoused here.
Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Chamber/7344/index.htm

Andy -- as he is simply identified throughout his campaign web site -- is waging a rather racy and unusual run for President. Along with links to music and photography interests, Andy's site also gave "shopping" tips to would-be Y2K looters ("Steel garbage cans aren’t just useful for breaking storefront windows, you can also use them to carry away looted goods"). He also recommends an array of rather graphic sex books in the "notebook" section of his site. Among his various campaign slogans: "I'm So F***ing President" and "Putting the 'racy' back in democracy" and "Putting the 'vice' back in service."
webpage: http://www.andy2000.org/


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John Wilson
Film God

Posts: 5430
From: Sydney, Australia.
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 10-27-2000 01:40 AM      Profile for John Wilson   Email John Wilson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A joke to make you go... AAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!

----------------

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 10-27-2000 08:16 AM      Profile for Evans A Criswell   Author's Homepage   Email Evans A Criswell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Back in the 1970s, I read a naughty little story that someone wrote using the names of all the candy bars. Back in 1996, I took a bunch of chemistry terms and made a similar story. Here is a link to this joke story:
http://www.itsc.uah.edu/~criswell/chemistry.html

I didn't put the joke inline since the chemistry terms are highlighted in the html version.

Now here is my idea: Make up a similar story using projection, theatre, and movie terms!

Evans


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Carl King
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 199
From: Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 11-03-2000 11:39 AM      Profile for Carl King   Email Carl King   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A cabbie picks up a nun. After driving for a few minutes the cabbie tells the nun, "Sister, I hope this doesn't offend you too much but I've always fantasized about getting oral sex from a nun". The nun said that she wasn't as offended as he might thin;
"We might arrange something" she said, "If you are single and Roman Catholic"

The cabbie said. "I am" and jumped in the back seat with the nun as soon as he culd pull the cab over to the curb.

When they were done they continued on to the nun's destination. When the nun got out the cabbie said, "Sister, I'm feeling guilty. I'm not single I'm married and and I'm not Catholic I'm Jewish"

The nun said. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to a party and my name is Brent"

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Ethan Harper
E-dawggg!!!

Posts: 325
From: Plano, TX, USA
Registered: May 2000


 - posted 11-10-2000 11:50 PM      Profile for Ethan Harper   Email Ethan Harper   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
O.K. here is a stupid one for you. Actually how about 2 stupid jokes.

Pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, did you know that there is a steering wheel on your crotch?"

Pirate replies back, "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! It's driving me nuts"

ok ok stupid joke #2

Bacon and eggs walk into a restaraunt. the waiter then comes up and says, "I'm sorry sir, we dont serve breakfast here"

------------------
--"That's my story and i'm sticking to it!"--

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Ethan Harper
E-dawggg!!!

Posts: 325
From: Plano, TX, USA
Registered: May 2000


 - posted 11-10-2000 11:52 PM      Profile for Ethan Harper   Email Ethan Harper   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Guy walks into a bar and says "OUCH!"

------------------
--"That's my story and i'm sticking to it!"--

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