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Author
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Topic: Bodily Fluids and Noises (YUCK!)
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 2492
From: Las Vegas, NV USA (1091 nm and 287° via great circle from Rockwall, TX)
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 12-16-2005 11:44 AM
Rated PG-13 ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The most multi-functional word in the English language:
Shit
Consider:
- You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.
- With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
- You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
- Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola.
- There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
- You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, and duck when shit hits the fan.
- You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
- You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
- Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
- Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
- You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.
- You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
- Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
- Once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
- If you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head, well... shit happens!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28538
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-13-2006 09:10 AM
Rated PG Paladin
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going to the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: This happens when you walk from the stall, to the sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
SAFE HAVENS: This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: This is a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO- COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This individual spends extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as the others in the building. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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